甜食控的梦想世界

Original Essay

A Memo to Straight Women Seeking A Gay Male Friend

Hi there. I am a gay man living in Los Angeles. Let me just say that I have many women friends. And I

applaud the open-minded, progressive attitudes most straight women seem to have nowadays.
However, I have noticed that we've crossed over into a place where some women are just a little too

comfortable with homosexuality. "Too much tolerance" you say? I'll explain.
Honestly, I am flattered when a woman says something along the lines of "you're cute. Too bad you're not

straight." That's nice to hear. I'm not going into some PC tirade over a compliment. You know what

though? I only need to hear it once. My friend's friend says it every time I see her. She does the

rubbing my upper back back, hands in my hair shit. And you know what I want to say? "LISTEN. My being

gay isn't the only reason it would never happen." Like, back the fuck up. And she's also volunteered to

be my beard at events. "Great, we'll time travel to the 1950s when people in LA last did that."
I think "Will and Grace" has instructed an entire generation of women that gay men are dying - DYING! -

to be your friend and indulge your every co-dependent and neurotic whim. We'll be there in a clinch with

a "you go girl!" or "you look fierce!" Because we all love to say that stuff and many other quippy

zingers.
Last Monday night, a woman at a bar came up to me and asked me if I was single. Not to disparage her,

but let's just say I was happy to shut her down right away with an abrupt "I'm gay." And you know what?

THAT DID NOT DETER HER.
She LIT up and said, "We can go shopping together and you can watch me play with myself with my Rabbit."
Ugggggghhhh... Do you ever not even know where to begin?
I wanted to say, "Yes, please, I am in the habit of befriending bar skanks in the first ten seconds of

talking to them. And despite my lack of sexual attraction to women, I would simply LOVE to watch you get

yourself off. JACKPOT!"
As far as the shopping thing goes: I love saying "I'm not really into shopping" and I just stand back

and wait for their heads to explode. Their precious "Will and Grace" never prepared them for that

possibility!
Call me uptight but I'm also against using the word "fag" aimed at me in some joking, campy way to

demonstrate how comfortable you are with my being gay. This has happened to me. It's like a folksy gay-

bashing without the exclamation point of the beatings. Let's from now on consult what I call "The Nigger

Test" to see if a carefree epithet really is appropriate. The way it works is that when you want to call

me "fag" you imagine instead that I'm black and that you're going to call me "nigger" in some whimsical,

ironic way. If you would in fact drop the N bomb, then by all means, proceed!
Also, please refrain from referring to your gay friend as "my Will" or yourself as "Grace." That's

totally queer. It was an okay show that's been off the air for over a year. Move on.
And lastly, just because you know another gay man who is single DOES NOT MEAN WE WOULD MAKE A PERFECT

MATCH. I appreciate the desire to see me paired up but most women (or straight men who attempt this)

think pairing up gays is as difficult as a game of Concentration. "Hey... there's one... there's

another... done!" "This guy you want to pair me up with... what does he like to do in his free time?

Does he vote? Does he read? Like to go out? Stay in? You don't know? So you just know his name and

sexual orientation." PASS. And while I've got nothing against the uber-feminine gay men, and respect

that they have a much tougher path than gay men who seem straight, please do not fix me up with them.

Because I am not attracted to them, which you would know if you'd asked any of the pertinent questions

before acting as a one-woman Match.com.
In closing, I am a friendly guy and like knowing people from all walks of life. But straight girls, just

dial down the desperation level a couple of notches and find a more constructive way to deal with the

void that the cancellation of "Sex and the City" has left in your life. (Full disclosure: I'm a total

Miranda!) If we're meant to be friends, you'll let me breathe and know me for me, not as the hot urban

accessory of the gay male friend. Thank you. I feel so much better. 

My Translation

给异性恋女性的指导：如何结交同性恋男性朋友
嗨！各位！我是一个基男，住在洛杉矶。我想说的是，我有很多女性朋友。如今很多异性恋女性思想开放进步，这点我

非常赞赏。
但是，我还是发现在某些场合，当我们这样的同性恋出现时，有些女性还是觉得很不舒服。“无法忍受？”你是这个意

思吗？那我来解释一下。
诚然，当一个女人对我说诸如“你很可爱，只可惜不是异性恋”此类的话来取悦我，这确实很中听。当然我不会去
将这赞美大肆宣扬。知道为什么吗？我听一次就够了。我朋友的朋友每见我一次就要说一次！她揉搓我的后背，
抚弄我的头发。你知道我想说什么吗？“听着，我是同性恋不是唯一的原因，而且也永远不会是！”就这样，轻松解决

。她仍然很乐意地围绕在我周围。“好啊，让我们来次穿越时空的旅行到50年代吧 ，学学那时候的洛杉矶人做什么！

”
我认为“威尔与格雷斯”已经深深影响了一代的女性，让她们以为基男正在消亡——消亡！-成为你的朋友并沉湎于你
随时随地可能爆发的依赖性和神经质。我们相拥并说着“你越来越女性化了！”“你看起来好凶暴！”因为我们都喜欢

说着那样的台词和俏皮话。
上周一晚上，在酒吧里，一个女人走到我跟前问我是否一个人。不是蔑视她，我只是简短又唐突地说了句“我是同性恋

”
来回绝她。知道怎么了么？这压根儿没能难倒她！
她很兴奋地说道：“我们可以一起去血拼，你还可以看我自慰……”呃~~~~~~~~~俄地神啊~~~这可咋整啊？
我想说：“好的，没问题。我喜欢在酒吧里跟前10秒钟和我聊天的人交朋友，即使是对我缺乏性吸引力的女人，我很
乐意观赏你如何让自己高潮。棒极了！”
逛街的时候，我会说：“我确实不是很喜欢血拼”，然后就站在后面，等着她们发飙。她们所珍爱的“威尔和格雷斯”
可从来没有出现过这种情况!
亲热地称呼我没有问题，可我还是很讨厌“fag”这样的玩笑，装模作样地展示自己和我这样的同性恋在一起有
多么舒服。这样的事情曾经发生在我的身上。就像是撞在石头上却喊不出来一样。从现在开始，让咱们讨论一下
我的“nigger试验”来看看一个无实意的修饰词是否合适。就像是你们称我“fag”一样，假设我是黑人，而你们称我
“nigger”，并且是以某种尖酸且讽刺的语气。如果你也觉得这么不好，那么OK，我们可以继续做朋友咯！
同样的，请不要老是联想你的基男朋友是威尔你自己是格雷斯，那样非常奇怪。那早都是过时的肥皂剧了，忘了它吧。
最后涅，别老是看着只要是个单身基男就想着可以乱点鸳鸯谱。我很感激为了我的终身大事而奔走的朋友，但是大多
数女人对男男配对比游戏的集中力还要高。“嘿，这里有个人……那里有个男的……成功！”“你想把我和这家伙凑成
一对？……他业余喜欢干什么？他有选举权吗？他喜欢阅读吗？喜欢出去玩还是呆在家里？你不知道？！那你只知道
他的名字和性取向？！”拉倒吧。当我全身赤裸面对一个乳房似女性的基男时，要让他能比一个看起来像
直男的基男勃起更加坚挺，千万别让我这样面对他们，因为我对他们没有吸引力。只要你在像个媒婆似的行动之前问问
任何人相关的问题，你就会明白这点。
深一点讲，我是个挺友善的人，并且喜欢和不同的人交流。但是，正常的女孩们，甭绝望了，找点更有建设性的
事情去做，填补“欲望都市”停播而留下的空虚吧！如果我们是打算做朋友，你应该让我感觉轻松，了解我，而不仅仅
是个社会边缘的基男朋友。谢谢咯。这样我感觉会更好些。

里面有很多自己都搞不清楚的地方，翻译还是很有问题，该找个专业人士指导一下了。
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